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  • Feb 29 Wed 2012 17:27
  • 無悔

看著那時寫下的文字,心情仍然會一陣激動。當時到底是處在什麼樣的心情,而能寫下這樣的東西呢?

「2011年的秋天,我進行了一趟為期三個月的旅程,從俄羅斯聖彼得堡到中國廈門,搭上中遠之星客輪回到台灣……」

對許多人而言,這樣的一段陳述,是只能存在於年少的心中的豪語,並隨著遠去的青春而消逝的夢想。但是,在我心中-這場旅行的當事者,這句陳述背後的意涵,遠遠超過文字所能傳達的,唯一能確知的是,對我而言,那不是一種僅僅只能被拿來炫耀說嘴的經歷。我不否認這不是一件容易的事情,只是,人生中這樣一次的旅行,如果只是拿來在話局中對著一雙雙期待的眼神,用自滿的神情去描述那時那地,「我在那裡」的事實,我感到我分享的僅僅只是那段心情的萬中之一……

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In addition to the happiness of being a fighter for the cause of socialism, fate gave me the happiness of being her husband. During the almost forty years of our life together she remained an inexhaustible source of love, magnanimity, and tenderness. She underwent great sufferings, especially in the last period of our lives. But I find some comfort in the fact that she also knew days of happiness.

For forty-three years of my conscious life I have remained a revolutionist; for forty-two of them I have fought under the banner of Marxism. If I had to begin all over again I would of course try to avoid this or that mistake, but the main course of my life would remain unchanged. I shall die a proletarian revolutionist, a Marxist, a dialectical materialist, and, consequently, an irreconcilable atheist. My faith in the communist future of mankind is not less ardent, indeed it is firmer today, than it was in the days of my youth.

Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall, and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere. Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full.

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Who in us is reading now?
Feel odd...

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我給他人的疏離感,早就不是什麼秘密。「我是一個疏離的人」,就像是「地球是圓的」,「太陽從東邊升起來」一樣,是一件在過去的歲月裡一次次的証實而得的事實。我既不想變成那樣可以單純的敞開心胸和眾人為伍,踽踽獨行的自己便是必須接受的事實。過分想要關切我隱私的人,我可以圓滑世故的打太極應對。

然而,對於親人也同樣有這種情感,這便叫人真正體認到自己孤獨的事實,來自社會規範的教條,「因為是親人,所以……」這更激起我反抗的情緒,我難以忍受強加我的意志而要我做出回應的詢問。即便說是關心,也難以不教我存疑這份真心只是種藉口,因為真正的關心應該是對我的整個人整個情況有想要了解的意圖,不去知道我的性格、歷史、心路歷程,而隨便拿一套規則來切入,我感到是種虛偽。於是我落入唯我論的世界觀之中,有成為偏執的瘋子的危機。

內省的動作絕不可免,引入溫和的理念來中和我的憤世嫉俗,以免逐步變成硬梆梆的鐵塊,成為難以接近的老頑固。但我並不能虛偽的以為,自己將百分之百變成另一種人,而是在有意識的情形下,了解自己,保有自己,同時也習得應對世界的完整方案。

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