Milstein

In addition to the happiness of being a fighter for the cause of socialism, fate gave me the happiness of being her husband. During the almost forty years of our life together she remained an inexhaustible source of love, magnanimity, and tenderness. She underwent great sufferings, especially in the last period of our lives. But I find some comfort in the fact that she also knew days of happiness.

For forty-three years of my conscious life I have remained a revolutionist; for forty-two of them I have fought under the banner of Marxism. If I had to begin all over again I would of course try to avoid this or that mistake, but the main course of my life would remain unchanged. I shall die a proletarian revolutionist, a Marxist, a dialectical materialist, and, consequently, an irreconcilable atheist. My faith in the communist future of mankind is not less ardent, indeed it is firmer today, than it was in the days of my youth.

Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall, and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere. Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full.

Sigur Ros的音樂相較起Explosions in the Sky，音色比較明亮，比較有壯闊的氣勢，給人正面的力量。
後者的音樂聽起來更貼近人世之間較冷酷的真實面，總有點躁鬱反抗暴走的意味。「非這麼做不可！」大概是這種味道。
一年多聽下來，Sigur Ros的音樂更為耐聽，正面感動的力量給予我勇氣。是來自冰島的自然壯闊先天上賦予他們的音樂明亮清澈嗎？

《Takk》根本就是我的治癒系音樂排行榜第一名....

覺得人生的一切都會復歸虛無，於是喪失了追求的動力，即使快樂降臨己身，也因為對即將到來的消失而感到哀傷，於是靈魂始終蒙上一層抹不去的陰霾，沒有辦法敞開心胸的接納歡笑。對「時間」的感知，我們有了先與後的概念。因此，因為有快樂的笑語在前，無語的寂靜在後，我們便當作同一種東西經歷了歡愉與消亡的過程，而已為那個東西原來終究還是消失，而把這場空無當作該物的本性，一切本不存在。

歡笑會是虛幻的嗎？假使我們擺脫時間的桎梏，僅僅活在每一瞬間，那麼，當下的快樂便是和當下的虛無等價的事情。定義孰者為真孰者為假就失去了意義。於是，「覺得一切終將消亡（的那一瞬間）而悲傷」與「覺得一切都會快樂而喜悅」便成了等價的陳述，要做前者還是後者，就只是簡單的選擇問題。

驀然回首一場悲劇，與霎時驚覺一回精采，我總傾向將前者收歸情感的記憶之中，因為悲傷的感受有種淨化的悲美，自以為從獸性的喜悅中超越而出。難道動物就不會悲傷嗎？也許我是自以為是的人類，自以為悲傷的深沉是人類獨有。

生而爲人，便是注定要受苦受難，這是自獸性的蒙昧中覺醒的人類所注定的命運。

所謂命運，從不是被指涉在快樂與光明的範疇，而是指先天上無可避免的痛苦，在生命中不同的時刻降臨時，無語問蒼天，亦無從解釋，沒有解答時，所産生出來的概念，心中那沒有出口的困惑，此時有個名詞得以勉强套用。而因爲內心清楚的明白那份無可逃脫的束縛，情感上的悲傷便上升成更激烈的情感，愴然的强烈感受，霎時摧毀了一個人類的心靈。

死之容易，生之艱難，總讓人誤認爲自殺可以輕率，其實，决定自殺的人還是生者，既是生者，又怎麽能够容易的下定决心自殺呢？所謂死之容易只是在描述生命之脆弱，因而死亡可能輕易的降臨。對于未可知論者，不能排除死後的世界或許只是另一個無間地獄；于是又陷入另一個進退維谷的絕地，生亦受苦，死而不一定會是解答。

1.死纏爛打自以為深情專情之神經病跟蹤狂超煩超荒謬超可笑
2.邏輯怪異沒肩膀亂指揮之遜咖leader
3.莫名奇妙亂打分機當總機使用且沒禮貌之收送件人員
4.神色怪異打手機在車邊游走之怪阿姨（要佔車位？）
5.旅行社理解能力差之服務人員懂不懂客戶至上？

舊房東把Sonet退掉後，把數據機以及線路移轉給我。
本以為直接找ISP業者購買服務後就可以使用。
結果折騰半天是，因為那個數據機在sonet是登記在舊房東的名下，必須用移轉的方式過戶，
如此一來費用則會延用舊客戶，較貴。
因此，我重新申請比較划算，然後Sonet向中華電信送件申請線路，擇期安裝數據機。

小學的時候，班上有一個文靜的女生。
不大說話，總靜靜的在角落看著大家的嬉鬧，
默默的微笑著。

後來分了班，便沒有什麼交集。

「美國沒有理想的酒吧。何謂理想的酒吧，根本超乎美國人的知識範圍。
一九一零年代，酒吧是男人上班時或者下工後聚會的場所，只有一條長長
的吧台、銅製扶手、痰盂、幾面鏡子、數桶啤酒跟威士忌，唯一的音樂就
是自動鋼琴，那時，威士忌酒一杯十分，啤酒一大杯五分。現在呢？酒吧
充斥鉻合金製品、爛醉的女人、同性戀，酒保充滿敵意，焦慮的老闆在門

eternity and a day
中文片名：永遠的一天
希臘導演安哲羅普洛斯的作品
在世界影壇的地位崇高
是希臘國寶級巨導

Tchaik 6

也許後來我的喜好回歸簡約，但對我而言只是代表聆聽的心境的轉化，並無損於感染力過強的柴可夫斯基在我心中的一席之地。

做了不快樂的夢：夢見有一課堂什麼也沒準備，
被老師（夢中卻是國中老師）點名起來報告，結果完全呆站著沒辦法反應。
好像還有幾個其他的夢，或是其他的事情，
一醒來就醒在很沮喪憂鬱的情緒之中。
也有點沒睡飽。

「盲人騎瞎馬，走了幾步，沒有絆倒，以為上了陽關道，沾沾自喜，這是十分可怕而危險的事情。」

「我雖筆下是瞎馬行空，心眼卻不盲，心亦不花，知道自己的膚淺和幼稚，天賦努力都不可強求，盡其在我，便是心安。」

1.
Explosions in the sky is still my favorite

2.
人的天性多半具有種內在與外在取得統合性的願望，一旦這件事情不能達成，便會感到痛苦。

是否總有一種意象，總在記憶裡徘徊不去？

偶爾我們在某處看見可疑的畫面，便錯認為是過去曾經去過的地方。然而再怎麼用力的扭擰大腦，卻始終提取不出時間地點，更遑論事件的動機與影響。

永遠揮之不去的惡夢其實總在昨日，如果不去刻意遺忘的話。

The program embedded in brain via series of try-and-error in the past, orders our bodies and minds react automatically without much thinking. So behaviorism clams the soul doesn’t exist but only the animal reaction comes from exterior environment. We suspect this, we disagree at this, we still believe in we have will to decide our behaviors.

But it still has something to do with our egos even we intend to deny the unconsciousness owns part representative. We’re fractured inside, falling into a hell of self-suspiciousness. We regard intact as ordinary, and contradiction is abnormal, would lead to chaos and insane. We’re tortured, and it’s tough to make out which one is true, and what person I am.

The automatic reaction sometimes convinces me what personality I harbor, but something always agitates this awareness deep inside. That comes from the ghost inside body machine. The best solution so far is to conclude this contradiction, coexistence of soul and body, self consciousness and body responses. However, it also opens the gate to greet the pain of twist, and acknowledge the tragedy of human, who hands the ability to think of his own existence. This makes person wise, and insane as well. Bring happiness, and pain, at the same time.

I’m not so cool
雖然多數時候，表現於外的自己，是那樣一個面貌：熱情，激動，富感染力，情感豐富，然而我清楚的是，另一面向的自己時時蠢蠢欲動，蟄伏在歡笑的暗角，伺機而動。在這矛盾角色的角力中，我還是以接受矛盾本身，來維持了自己的主體性，於是兩種互相箝制的性格，也被統合回單一的自我。

沒有真正能解決的方法，當沮喪，灰心，自卑的幽靈重新附身於我的時候，只能默默等待發作的過程，忍耐那份痛楚。這隱含一個前提，此非常態。

Fractions of memory

We’re always eager to write down each detail just happened around us, because we fear once we forget it, it would be as well as not happened, and as the existences. Our existence depends on memory, forgetting means erasing, we fear the meaningless of life. However, as soon as we recognize the possibility of emptiness of life, we found the absurdity and the tragic essence of being. Is that the fate for a person conscious of it? It sounds like a penalty for intelligent person, the awareness deprive your simple happiness. We’re suffering and in order to alleviate it we start to write down everything we had or we think we had. Frustration comes from the failure of continuous losing. We lost too sonly to retain. Time is a river, individual memory is the petals and leaves floating on water, flow past you, who might just be another floating leaf. It’s not possible to pick them up all, often we’re just able to watch them disappear.

But sometimes, in some mysterious moment, all of sudden, you remember something forgotten. You even forgot the existence of it. And then comes the wonderful happiness with it, you slump into the cradle of past, fall into another dream you had ever been. Time is a glimmer river in the night, petals and leaves are the sparkling fractions float on the surface. Definitely, memory exists, not only the substance but also the phenomenon. We should write down something, but not for impossible copy of the temporary world, but for a clue to hook us back into the dream, that memory. We only grip some fractions and lost more, but we can own the hints to imagine and reappear the feeling, mix the present emotion, we reshape the memory and extent it. Finally, we realize, memory is not static and frozen, it’s vital and growing. Past can be now, and what we grab makes us owns more. We get more than we lost, get completeness via fraction. Finally we overcome the tragedy of awareness of being, more profound happiness comes from our activities, we are existentialists.

Some people can not understand why somebody would post some secrets on public internet?

Maybe it’s kind of therapy by revealing one’s own stories and then trace back the source of sadness. Or at least gets a remission by expressing one’s feeling.

I don’t think it’s cowardice to show soft spot to people. What a coward would do is seeking of consolation BY doing this.

i totally realize why femail love shopping.......because i found i have been doing this.....

buying itself is a kind of action with instinctive joy....

some will get back reality when they see the bill. some dont need because the joy of buying is the real life....free from the money!!!