Milstein

梅小路公園

1.
天氣特好！

I’m not so cool
雖然多數時候，表現於外的自己，是那樣一個面貌：熱情，激動，富感染力，情感豐富，然而我清楚的是，另一面向的自己時時蠢蠢欲動，蟄伏在歡笑的暗角，伺機而動。在這矛盾角色的角力中，我還是以接受矛盾本身，來維持了自己的主體性，於是兩種互相箝制的性格，也被統合回單一的自我。

沒有真正能解決的方法，當沮喪，灰心，自卑的幽靈重新附身於我的時候，只能默默等待發作的過程，忍耐那份痛楚。這隱含一個前提，此非常態。

04/03
今天是很棒的一天，因為有阿梓以及她帶來的朋友Fumi。今天又跑去嵐山，嵯峨野，兩天前我才來過，對這裡印象極好。今天是周日，天氣卻又轉冷。幸好過了中午，日照之下暖和不少，更重要的是到了下午原本陰霾的天空，積雲盡數散去，湛藍的天空一旦露臉，櫻花便馬上大為增色。

04/02

第一天抵達時，我和來自紐約州的女生以及澳洲男生就聊了起來，澳洲男生跟我頗為投緣，聊到半夜。可惜隔天他就離開了，紐約女生隔天下午也離開，來不及多談。跟我約同時抵達的是華裔英國人Tim以及韓裔美國人，來自加州的Nick，以及同樣來自美國的Lee以及Chris。

Tour Club的一樓是公共空間，雖然空間不大，但是設施一應俱全。包含了簡易流理台、上有烤箱微波爐，以及冰箱，旁邊桌子可以容納約六人，以及一間和室。每天晚上大家都會拿著各自的東西坐到位置上，寫日記，打電腦，喝茶，喝咖啡，吃微波便當，這是住背包客旅館最棒的事情。當然語言還是一個問題，比方說來當Tim他們聊天時會用許多片語以及流行語，我便不明白，但是若是彼此共通話題時，一方面詞彙自己比較熟，二方面大家會自然而然的用共通詞彙來溝通。所以不成問題。

04/02
今天異常慵懶，中午出門到錦小路通先吃了博多一風堂拉麵後（正合我胃口！超好吃！），沿著錦小路通閒晃，隨意買了點心邊走邊吃，走往祇園。不知不覺又走到眼熟的商圈，到京都第二日阿梓帶我逛過一次，後來我走三条通又來過一次，今天又晃回來。走過鴨川，到祇園花間小路，先去上次已經閉門的建仁寺，出來後，極其無聊的走到木元町通，陰雨天，心情不甚佳。

04/01
每天都步行約六到八小時，原本希望這一天可以懶散些，晚出早歸，就近觀賞hostel附近的寺廟就好。然而，一步出hostel，走在安靜的巷弄內，一天比一天和煦溫暖的陽光，不自覺的所有精神都回來。

想要走不一樣的路，便不去京都火車站，而往西邊走，到西本院寺後方的JR丹波口站。我出門時大約十點，──我總是最晚起床出門的人，途中經過便利商店，便買了麵包跟牛奶作為早餐，這是我每天的習慣。

Fractions of memory

We’re always eager to write down each detail just happened around us, because we fear once we forget it, it would be as well as not happened, and as the existences. Our existence depends on memory, forgetting means erasing, we fear the meaningless of life. However, as soon as we recognize the possibility of emptiness of life, we found the absurdity and the tragic essence of being. Is that the fate for a person conscious of it? It sounds like a penalty for intelligent person, the awareness deprive your simple happiness. We’re suffering and in order to alleviate it we start to write down everything we had or we think we had. Frustration comes from the failure of continuous losing. We lost too sonly to retain. Time is a river, individual memory is the petals and leaves floating on water, flow past you, who might just be another floating leaf. It’s not possible to pick them up all, often we’re just able to watch them disappear.

But sometimes, in some mysterious moment, all of sudden, you remember something forgotten. You even forgot the existence of it. And then comes the wonderful happiness with it, you slump into the cradle of past, fall into another dream you had ever been. Time is a glimmer river in the night, petals and leaves are the sparkling fractions float on the surface. Definitely, memory exists, not only the substance but also the phenomenon. We should write down something, but not for impossible copy of the temporary world, but for a clue to hook us back into the dream, that memory. We only grip some fractions and lost more, but we can own the hints to imagine and reappear the feeling, mix the present emotion, we reshape the memory and extent it. Finally, we realize, memory is not static and frozen, it’s vital and growing. Past can be now, and what we grab makes us owns more. We get more than we lost, get completeness via fraction. Finally we overcome the tragedy of awareness of being, more profound happiness comes from our activities, we are existentialists.

3/31
想轉換一下心情，坐JR往東到大津，這是位於琵琶湖畔的城市，我到這裡看看琵琶湖。

03/30
今天打算遊覽金閣寺一帶。

03/29
在西本願寺就耗了不少時間。